“Cagar” means to take a shit in Spanish.
I’m Spanish so I should know.
But regardless of where you are and what you speak, if you are human you are bound to be extremely familiar with this action.
Who would’ve imagined that art and defecation are two words that would ever be together in the same sentence? Well, the thing is although no one will admit it, I suspect most of you will agree with what I’m about to say.
Why deny it? let’s put it out there loud and clear. Taking a shit is one of the best things we get to do on a daily basis.
Shitting is a necessity, it feels good. Let’s embrace those unique moments of private joy. Let’s be proud of these bodies that entrap our souls and their functions.
Shitting is cathartic, cleansing. The process can be difficult at times but always soothing once accomplished.
Shitting reminds us that we are alive, that our internal machinery is working.
Oh.. and there are so many wonderful and not so wonderful variations of this inevitable daily event.
Next time you sit on the toilet to poop I want you to not feel ashamed but proud. Think of the toilet seat as if it were a throne, the throne of shit, or in Spanish “El trono de la caca”.
I can’t imagine how many breakthroughs in science and new innovations have come from inspired minds in the middle of the very act of taking a nice long multi-pound piece of shit.
Let’s break down the main 10 type of shits and unveil their qualities:
1. The morning dump
This is the bread and butter of bodily relief. It repeats itself like clockwork.
For some people it happens before going to sleep but it makes sense for it to be a morning event.
After all, your food had the whole night to make its way down your digestive system.
By the time you wake up it’s all nicely packed and ready to depart your half sleep body.
The morning dump is like comfort food. It feels good and does the job.
There is nothing dramatic about it. It’s second nature and it happens almost automatically.
2. The constipation nightmare
Taking a shit can be a wonderful experience. It’s like the feeling of relief and cleanliness that comes from picking a big black head of your face. You get to expel the dirt and evil from your body.
This makes you automatically cleaner, more pure, lighter. The shit is gone!
Problem is when the shit won’t leave. The whole purpose of “cagar” is to expulse waste material, so it really sucks when the material gets stuck and refuses to leave.
This is when the battle of attrition commences. Luckily there are drugs that help but until they take effect you will suffer through tears to win this battle.
Why won’t the damn shit come out? Your imagination goes wild picturing a huge dumpling the size of your fist painfully pushing the elastic boundaries of your anus.
How big will it be? you push harder in anticipation. Oh it feels like delivering a child you think.
The tip surfaces, push harder.. oh but it gets reabsorbed into your gut.
Eventually the monster gets expelled. Sweat drops cover your face. Your butt still hurts but the sense of accomplishment is immense, like finishing a marathon. Good job shit face!
3. The ring of fire
The first time you experience this extreme burning sensation can be alarming.
It feels like sulphuric acid is coming out of your butt and literally burning your anus into a bloody mess. Was Johnny Cash referring to this burning sensation when he wrote his famed tune called “The Ring Of Fire“?
Indian and Mexican spicy foods are typically the culprit. Why oh why do we have to pay for the price of enjoying exquisite exotic meals?
The ring of fire is like a hangover. You know it will happen if you drink too much, but the fun you have is worth the pain you’ll have to go through. And the more fun you have, the more pain you’ll have to endure.
The ring of fire, like a hangover, has a bittersweet feeling. After all, the suffering is only but the aftermath of good times in the past and, while you sit there by yourself mustering the courage to push out the next burning log, you get to evaluate if the pain was worth it or not.
You may swear on your first born to not ever eat spicy food again. But inevitably you’ll forget and next time you are presented with the option to enjoy a nice Mexican dish, your weak memory will falter, and you’ll succumb to the pleasures of spicy foods.
4. The liquid explosion
Sometimes diarrhea and gas get together for a big party in your ass.
This can get very messy very fast. It’s the complete opposite of constipation.
Almost instant satisfaction. Before you can blink an eye you’re pouring your guts into the toilet and/or its surroundings.
This shitting variation can feel like hard core peeing from your butt. It’s an estrange sensation but at the same time quite satisfying like all other shitting variations (except constipation and ring of fire).
The problem of mixing liquid and gases together is that you can get an unwanted aerosol effect.
Small particles of liquid stool can become airborne and splash all over the place.
The main drawback or shittiest part of this explosive toilet party is the clean up after.
And like in true parties the bigger the party the bigger the clean up. So unfair, why having fun always comes at a price proportional to the amount of fun we had? could this be one of those inexorable Newtonian laws – The 1st Shitty Law of Caca-dymamics?
5. The shit symphony
Music is a universally loved art. I do wonder if the word fart comes from phonetic-art. A fart can be musical. Music is just a combination of sounds chained in a rhythm that is pleasant to the ear.
An anus is almost like a musical instrument. The physics between an anus and let’s say, a trumpet or a bag pipe, are very similar. Air flows through a constrained hole and produces sound.
Typically, fart sounds are not pleasant to the ear but for some reason they are the inspiration to a whole world of jokes – fart jokes.
What’s so funny about a fart? kids find farts fascinating and so do most (male) adults. May be it’s because laughter is a close cousin of farts. Both are a pleasant bodily relief. One comes out of our mouths, the other out of our back ends.
One can trigger the other. Normally a fart is more likely to trigger laughter, but the other way around is possible as well. Laughing produces quick spam-like contractions in our tummy which can easily lead to involuntary gas leaks. I think truly happy people laugh and fart all the time and don’t feel ashamed of their ass laughter.
Ok, the shit symphony. Very easy, mix shits with farts and you have a new art form. Music mixed with organic material in motion. The possibilities are endless here. It’s like modern art. In fact, a lot of modern art seems to be inspired by this shitty process.
What I really like about shit symphonies is their randomness and unpredictability. Every symphony is different. The sounds, textures, and smells can mix in endless combinations.
Next time you experience one of this rare events you should feel proud. Your body is attempting to produce art in its most basic form. It’s so spontaneous, pay attention as I’m certain that the catchy tunes of many radio hits were conceived this way by well fed composers.
6. The supersized log or toilet-choker
The larger the shit the more disgusting – one would think. Well, there is this bizarre thing about perception. We do really tend to think our shit doesn’t stink, or at least stinks better than foreign “cacas”. We have an innate attachment to anything that is familiar, and there is nothing closer and more familiar to us than our own shit.
So for foreign shit the rule goes – disgust is proportional to the size of the dumpling.
But for our own shit the rule has a sick twist that few dare to admit in public.
The bigger the log the prouder we are of it. The same way we admire the immensity of architecture wonders like the pyramids, the Eiffel tower, or the Petrona towers in Kuala Lumpur, we cannot but marble at anything of magnanimous size produced by our bodies. And a big dump is magnanimous in its own right.
As kids we were less shy to express our pride at the sight of a huge log stuck sideways in the toilet – “Mommy.. come at look at what I just did in the toilet!!”.
But once we grow older, more boring, and proper we try to avoid going to our boss and bragging about the size of our logs. However, this doesn’t mean we don’t feel a secret sense of awe and accomplishment when we stare back at the labor of our guts.
What is the ultimate proof of a proper supersized log? you guess it.. it won’t flush!
The ultimate supersized log resists its ultimate demise. Getting stuck is the ultimate defiance to a toilet.
The toilet was designed to kill, break down, and swallow all kinds of shits.
One flush, two flushes, three flushes.. and it holds for its life, skid marks all over, chunks are ripped of the beast but it won’t pass, it will not admit defeat!
How proud can we be? At home no problem. At work we are mortified to think that the next person coming to the toilet may associate the monster log to our persona. Let alone if you are a delicate 110 pound princess of a woman – “Did she shit that? OMG!!” – they’ll never look at you the same way, trust me.
Some guys will take a pic for the album. It’s like catching a big fish, you want the whole world to know.
But eventually your fish has to die and leave room for new generations.
As a kid I remember taking the shower head apart and using the shower tube as a hose.
Why did it feel like a murder but so satisfying at the same time? This time not your toilet but you get to kill your own piece of art. You wonder when will it be the next time your log will choke a toilet. Such a rare but disgustingly memorable event. Twisted? yes. Familiar? no need to agree. I know.
7. The lethal stinker
The thing about the stinker is that it can be one of the most disappointing and embarrassing of all “cagadas”.
The perfect shit its nice and big, flows smoothly and steadily, doesn’t stink too much, and it’s easy to wipe.
The problem with the stinker is that, in some occasions, it may lack on all the factors that make up a proper dump. You figure that a dump smell should only be proportional to its size.
Unfortunately that is not always the case. The worst stinkers are little shits that for some reason produce a stench so potent that can produce headaches, vomiting, and dizziness. It’s like being trapped in a gas chamber with only yourself to blame and nothing to show for.
Even if we all secretly enjoy shitting, we’re still very concerned about what other people will think of us if they are exposed to the aftermath of our joyous bodily function.
But why such concern? well, having to shit reminds us that we are human, mortal, that we cannot control the fact that no matter how bright, rich, beautiful, and famous we are, we all are bound and limited by our fickle bodies and their inevitable bodily needs.
Shitting is the great equalizer. Kings and peasants, presidents and thugs, women, men, children regardless of their social status all have it in common.
Once a day, for the rest of our lives we have to confront our own mortality and surrender to the most basic and smelly of bodily functions.
Luckily, toilets are great at destroying almost all the embarrassing evidence except for one thing.
The smell.. oh the smell of shit. Why don’t toilets suck it all without leaving a trace?
Yes, fans help but aren’t fast enough. Da timing can be brutal. The big stinker can appear at the worst possible moment, like on a first date, or when your boss comes right after you relieved yourself and just had a conversation with him about getting promoted.
How many job promotions have been spoiled because an ill-timed stinker? how many romantic evenings skipped the sex part with non-sensical excuses because of the nauseating effect of the stinker cagada?
The stinker is one of the worst punishes nature has inflicted in our hygiene obsessed culture.
Unpredictable, embarrassing, denigrating. May your stinkers have mercy on you and your loved ones.
8. The shy dumpling
Like the stinker the shy dumpling is disappointing but in a smaller and cuter way.
If one cannot be but impressed with the greatness of a supersized log, the opposite is true of the shy dumpling.
The thing about the shy dumpling is that sometimes coming out it feels like it’s going to be a lot bigger than it actually is. It can be so deceiving. You see, because we only get to admire our fecal art once it departs completely from our rear, we cannot avoid speculating about its size and texture until it comes out. Hints of these characteristics can only be inferred from the signals sent from our gut and anus to our brain.
Once they reach our hypothalamus they trigger our cognitive mind and incite our imagination. For some unknown reason these signals can be deceiving and bring to us unfounded anticipation for a larger product.
So much effort for this? – we think to ourselves. Too much pain for so little gain. Well… flush you to hell!
9. The water splasher
All dump categories can become water splashers. But some dumps are expert in maximizing the pound to splash ratio.
The best splasher is a cousin of the shy dumpling. It’s the machine-gun dumpling.
Each dumpling in itself is disappointing in size but the sheer number of them and their fire rate is such that its only claim to fame is their uncanny ability to splash our buts with incredible accuracy.
The feeling of having your anus splashed with cold fecal water is extremely annoying and disgusting.
You see, most people can come to terms with their own shit.. but always at a distance.
The unwanted splash feels like your shit getting back at you for shitting it out. It’s like a little revenge – You shit me? well alright.. take this little splash up your ass.. hehe.
Luckily there are easy counter measures. Just lay a couple of sheets of toilet paper over your drop target area and they should cushion their landing enough to disable the splash feature.
10. The forest sculpture
I saved this dump variation for last because it can be the most artistic of all and this article is about the art of the arse dumpling.
It also brings back sweet child memories of my adventurous times with the boy scouts back in the thick forests of Northern Spain.
The forest sculpture is the ultimate artistic expression of this important yet segregated bodily function.
Taking a dump in the forest feels very special. I can imagine how our ancestors did it thousands of years ago before the advent of latrines and toilets.
Squat and push. No need to aim. Just let it go the natural way.
The arguable beauty of the forest dump comes from the fact that the stool lands on solid ground and therefore its behaviour changes.
If the stool is of average consistency and viscosity it will stack upon itself forming a very familiar spiraloid pyramid. The feeling can be compared to what a baker would feel when squeezing cream on to a cake. Depending on the motion one can create different shapes while extruding the product.
Everyone should shit in the forest at least once in their life. It’s truly an unforgettable experience.
Bonding with nature, you, and organic matter. Giving back to Mother Earth, it feels right for some reason.
The shit cycle ends in its most natural way. The way it was supposed to be. All animals do it that way. We are the only animal that killed the cycle of shit.
If you are secretly into admiring your own shit (It’s ok, we are all are from time to time) I urge you to go to the forest. Find a quiet space. Squat in silence while you admire the nature around you.
The sounds, the wind through the trees, birds chirping, maybe the sound of water flowing down a nearby creek, the insects buzzing around you full of expectation for the great meal you are about to, so generously, serve for them.
Sit, marvel, and then push. First gently, let the “caca” flow under its own pressure. A pop here and there, just means entrapped gases being liberated into the atmosphere. Notice how flies become agitated around you. It seems as if they are all chanting in admiration, hungry, basking on the scents of a succulent shitty meal.
Mother Earth gave to you and now you are returning her the favor. Your shit will decompose and become the nutrients of plants, trees, animals which later on you will harvest, cook, and eat.
Yes, once the cycle is completed you will be eating your own shit but Earth, in her infinite wisdom, will make it look and taste good. Truly amazing!
Crappy Final Thoughts
And well, this concludes my trip down the infamous art of “cagar”. Yes, there are countless more variations of the 10 shits I’ve described but I’m not about to start the Shitty-pedia. For me this is enough caca talk for at least two weeks. Now I’m going to wash my potty mouth with soap (after taking a huge… )
Conclusion. Don’t be ashamed of your own shit, celebrate being human, and remember your cacas are an integral part of the cycle of life, nature, and the Universe.
Peace, Love and healthy shits for all!
Miguel
P.S: aren’t you happy I didn’t use any pictures?
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