Last Monday, October 10th was the 6th anniversary of my company Grumo Media.
Tomorrow, Grumo Media will be officially out of business.
This corporate lapsus will take place specifically from 10am to 1pm PDT, tomorrow Thursday.
Let me explain in a rather convoluted way the reason for this unusual event.
To the chagrin of family and close friends I’ve spent the last 6 years wearing exactly the same uniform.
This singular uniform consist of the following non-flattering items:
- The cheapest dark blue jeans I could find (Brand: Jingo – Size: 30-30 – Price: $20 USD – bought in Panama)
- A pair slip-on black leather shoes (Brand: Steve Madden – Size: 8 – Price: $110 CAD – bought next door)
- An omnipresent black Grumo Media shirt (Brand: Gildan – Size: S – Price: between $25 USD and priceless – custom printed at Spreadshirt.com)
- A pair of black Costco socks (Brand: I don’t know – Price: I don’t know either because my wife bought them)
- Black cotton underwear (Brand: Calvin Klein – Size: XXXXX:D – Price: NFI for 3 pairs – also purchased my significant other at Costco)
I’ve been wearing this outfit for about 1995 days out of the last 2000 days (6 years).
This means if you ever run into me 2 out of 4 things are very likely to happen:
- There is 99.75% chance that I’ll be wearing the aforementioned uniform
- There is a 0.25% chance that I won’t be wearing that uniform
- The world may stop in its tracks
- You will give me $1 million dollars worth of Safeway triple chocolate cookies
Tomorrow, option 2, the 0.25% scenario – an extremely rare event in the Grumo Media fashion space-time fabric – it’s scheduled to happen.
I mean, solar eclipses happen more often!
For me not wearing the Grumo uniform is like for Superman to be wearing his Clark Kent outfit.
Superman is only superman when he puts on his outfit. Grumo Media is only Grumo Media when I wear my Grumohero uniform.
When I relinquish my uniform, Grumo Media ceases to exist. I lose my super powers, I become just another human, another Man In Grey (See P.S.).
Here are Grumo’s official uniform storage head quarters:
Now I will answer the two logical questions that follow:
- Why are you going to take off your uniform tomorrow?
- Why do you always wear the same f’ing uniform?
Question 01: Why are you going to take off your uniform tomorrow?
Answer 01: Because I’m attending a wedding. To be precise a Sikh wedding.
I’m not a fan of weddings. That’s why I eloped to Mexico and got married by a shady “Fernando Juarez Saldierna” government official who put $400 USD in cash in his pocket right after signing our marriage certificate.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happily married. I simply don’t agree with the concept of matrimony we’ve been sold to in Western society but… that’s a story for another day.
What bothers me the most out of weddings, funerals, baptisms, and such is that I have to break a finely crafted habit 1995 days in the making to become this…
Big Foot and 3 headed martians are more common than this sight. (Also you don’t see it but there is a white rabbit in my arse so that’s totally a fake smile.)
Question 02: Why do you always wear the same f’ing uniform?
Answer 02: Because I don’t like to f’ing waste time deciding what to wear.
I have a deep decision making problemo.
I can spend hours pondering what brand of USB key, or HDMI cable to buy on Amazon. Or, which shoes to buy, or which woman to marry (that took 6 months).
Making decisions gives me anxiety. Now imagine I had to choose what to wear for the last 2000 days. That would amount to 2000 decisions which would equal to 2000 thousand moments of unnecessary anxiety.
Ok, ok, I know choosing what socks to wear is not a big deal. I’m more concerned with the cumulative effect of non-important decisions because they do add up.
If we agree the most valuable resource we have is our given time, then anything that is not essential, doesn’t provide any satisfaction, and erodes at this resource should be reduced, outsourced, or eliminated altogether, right?
I think so and a few other rather famous humans seem to feel the same way…
Jobs† and Zuck, look at them oh poor fashionless fucks like me.
So although tomorrow will be a very unusual day for me, I believe it won’t be the end of Grumo Media.
Temporarily? yes, it will appear like Miguel – the #1 Grumo Media brand ambassador of the world – has finally given in to the pressures of Western civilization.
But between you and me… underneath that Hugo Boss crap…
There will always be a Grumo ready to GRRRRR!
And now is your turn…
Have you decided what are you going to wear on Friday?
I surely have 😉
Peace, Love, and fashionless cookies.
P.S: “The Men in Grey” – in reference to one of my favorite childhood novels “Momo” by Michael Ende.
P.2: I want to thank all of your dear readers for the supportive comments triggered my by last two rather emotional/sad emails. You are the best!
P.3: I know, I know I should have used Ironman for the superhero analogy instead of Superman. Well, here it is for all the fans… sigh:
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